Yes, really. It must be true because Audi tell us that we now need to buy their shiny new Quattro All-Wheel-Drive to ensure that our driving experience isn't disrupted by that nasty horrible wet stuff that falls from the sky because, apparently, when it rains, driving suddenly becomes utterly impossible for anyone who doesn't have one of their cars.
Their nice new technology reacts automatically-changing weather. Its "optimal drive delivery to each wheel is managed automatically and continuously, for superior handling and phenomenal grip – even in less than perfect driving conditions..." , thus ensuring that none of us actually need to know how to drive any more.
I suppose it's all very nice, until the technology breaks down, and then we'll all sit there shaking in our seats because our safety net has been taken away.
Saturday 3 December 2011
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Sunlight makes your skin die!
This morning, I was amazed to hear an advertisement on the local radio station for anti-ageing cream.
Apparently, if you sit by a window, or go outside or even dare to expose yourself to even the slightest bit of natural light, your skin will die... but not if you buy this amazing new anti-wrinkle cream from Boots!
Simply slather this stuff all over your skin to ensure that not a bit of sunlight can touch your naked flesh and give you that nasty 'natural' look and, even better, give yourself rickets in the process.
Apparently, if you sit by a window, or go outside or even dare to expose yourself to even the slightest bit of natural light, your skin will die... but not if you buy this amazing new anti-wrinkle cream from Boots!
Simply slather this stuff all over your skin to ensure that not a bit of sunlight can touch your naked flesh and give you that nasty 'natural' look and, even better, give yourself rickets in the process.
Monday 30 August 2010
Fairy Stereotypical
Just seen the advert for Fairy liquid - apparently Fairy is 50, and to celebrate the fact they've brought out a retro bottle - wow
It starts off saying "A lot has changed over the years"
(and goes on to make some point about Fairy still giving the same cleaning power ... yada yada yada)
Well, not that much has changed over the years
Apparently washing up is still Mum's job.
Love and grrrrr
Sara
It starts off saying "A lot has changed over the years"
(and goes on to make some point about Fairy still giving the same cleaning power ... yada yada yada)
Well, not that much has changed over the years
Apparently washing up is still Mum's job.
Love and grrrrr
Sara
Thursday 1 July 2010
Don't Touch
I've recently seen a lovely advert for the Dettol No-Touch Handwash System. Have a look for yourself here.
Apparently, if you use an antibacterial soap in a bottle (like we do, funnily enough) it turns out that the bit you press down is COVERED in germs.
That's because you press it with your filthy, germy hands. Ugh! Dirty, nasty, toxic thing!.
Just one thing, though. Correct me if I'm wrong but once you've pushed down the horrible, germy top and extracted some of the antibacterial soap, don't you then wash your hands?
Duh!
Apparently, if you use an antibacterial soap in a bottle (like we do, funnily enough) it turns out that the bit you press down is COVERED in germs.
That's because you press it with your filthy, germy hands. Ugh! Dirty, nasty, toxic thing!.
Just one thing, though. Correct me if I'm wrong but once you've pushed down the horrible, germy top and extracted some of the antibacterial soap, don't you then wash your hands?
Duh!
Tuesday 16 March 2010
Broken Country
I've just seen a fascinating pre-election campaign poster. It said (and I quote):
Now . . .
. . . please could somebody explain to me, in plain English, what that statement actually means because . .
. . . I have no idea!
I've never voted Tory before, but we need to mend our broken country.
Now . . .
. . . please could somebody explain to me, in plain English, what that statement actually means because . .
. . . I have no idea!
Monday 23 March 2009
Help! My neighbour's a terrorist!
After a short holiday away from Fnordianism, we're back. And this one's a real beauty. It plays on our media-fed paranoias, our dirty little hidden racisms and our petty dislikes of our neighbours. In fact, as Fnords go this one is almost up to Orwellian standards.
It's actually a radio advert for the Confidential Terrorist Hotline (0800 789 321, if you fancy giving them a bell). I can't remember the precise wording, but this is a pretty close approximation:
"This is the sound of a bomb not going off outside a busy nightclub because a neighbour noticed someone collecting the chemicals to make it in a house on their road.
This is the sound of a bomb not going off in a busy shopping centre because a shopper reported a suspicious person studying the CCTV cameras.
If you see something suspicious ring the Confidential Terrorist Hotline"
Oh my Gods! I'm terrified! The utter, chemical-collecting, camera-watching bastards. You can't trust anybody. In fact, that bugger that runs the corner shop - he might be a Muslim!!!!!!
Errm. . . just a couple of points.
Firstly: What chemicals do you actually need to make a bomb? You see, I've no idea. Can't you make one out of garden compost, or something. Why don't I know? Because I've absolutely no reason to!
The only people who know exactly what goes in a bomb are people who deal with them. That's bomb disposal experts and terrorists (and firework manufacturers, of course). Should my neighbours buy bomb-making equipment I wouldn't know because [a] it would surely be hidden in bags, [b] they would dispose of the evidence rather carefully and, [c] I've no bloody idea what it would be in the first place!
Perhaps I should be a good citizen and rummage through everyone's dustbins at night!
Secondly: Security cameras indeed! As the IRA proved an awful long time ago, security cameras are irrelevant. A bomb can be made the size of a cigarette packet and dropped into the pocket of a coat in a clothing shop. No security camera can pick that up.
A terrorist does not need to check out security cameras because security cameras don't work. We have the most ridiculous surveillance culture in the whole of Europe, but do we have the lowest crime rates, or even the best clean-up? Nope! According to a 2008 police report only 3% of crimes were solved by CCTV.
I have actually been out with a group of people spotting CCTV cameras. We found loads. We stood in front of them and waved. We took photos - I actually stood directly in front of several cameras and took a photo right down the lens. I even made sure they could see my face.
What happened? Nowt, nuffin, zip, nada, bugger all! I didn't even get scowled at by a policeman or a security guard - I was almost disappointed.
How do you fool a CCTV camera? Wear a hat! Honestly, wear a hat - they nearly all have to be above 8 feet so all they can see is your hat.
Let's arrest all those suspicious bastards with hats on.
There is a terrorist threat in the UK. There always has been and always will be, so long as people treat other people as things (Thank you Granny Weatherwax). But the mass media and this Fnordian epic of an advert are inflating the problem completely out of proportion.
Since the year 2000 there have been exactly 52 people killed in terrorist attacks in the UK. They all died in the tragic events of 7/7/05.
Since the year 2000 there have been 2,752 people killed by terrorist attacks in the US. All of them died in the appalling (and bloody suspicious) attacks of 9/11 (11/9/01)
That's a total of 2,804.
Now look at these figures:
Every year there are 1,200,000 deaths from road accidents.
Every year 430,000 are killed by cigarettes (and that's just in the US)
Every year 400,000 Americans die of obesity related diseases (and the UK's working on it!)
Every year there are 130,000 deaths from cancer in the UK alone.
These are just a few figures I've pinched from The Insider (click on it to read some more).
I'll let them have the last word:
Nobody has benefited more from terrorism than the US, the UK, and Israel. They use terrorism as an excuse to change the law, giving more power to the authorities and withdrawing freedoms from the people. They use terrorism as an excuse to attack and conquer foreign lands. They exploit our fear to win support.
If terrorism and WMD are such a threat, what are the causes? Nobody provides more money to terrorist groups and rogue states than the US and the UK. Nobody has or sells more weapons than the US and UK.
Can you see what is happening here? Or are you still afraid of the boogey-man?
Love (not fear),
Seán
It's actually a radio advert for the Confidential Terrorist Hotline (0800 789 321, if you fancy giving them a bell). I can't remember the precise wording, but this is a pretty close approximation:
"This is the sound of a bomb not going off outside a busy nightclub because a neighbour noticed someone collecting the chemicals to make it in a house on their road.
This is the sound of a bomb not going off in a busy shopping centre because a shopper reported a suspicious person studying the CCTV cameras.
If you see something suspicious ring the Confidential Terrorist Hotline"
Oh my Gods! I'm terrified! The utter, chemical-collecting, camera-watching bastards. You can't trust anybody. In fact, that bugger that runs the corner shop - he might be a Muslim!!!!!!
Errm. . . just a couple of points.
Firstly: What chemicals do you actually need to make a bomb? You see, I've no idea. Can't you make one out of garden compost, or something. Why don't I know? Because I've absolutely no reason to!
The only people who know exactly what goes in a bomb are people who deal with them. That's bomb disposal experts and terrorists (and firework manufacturers, of course). Should my neighbours buy bomb-making equipment I wouldn't know because [a] it would surely be hidden in bags, [b] they would dispose of the evidence rather carefully and, [c] I've no bloody idea what it would be in the first place!
Perhaps I should be a good citizen and rummage through everyone's dustbins at night!
Secondly: Security cameras indeed! As the IRA proved an awful long time ago, security cameras are irrelevant. A bomb can be made the size of a cigarette packet and dropped into the pocket of a coat in a clothing shop. No security camera can pick that up.
A terrorist does not need to check out security cameras because security cameras don't work. We have the most ridiculous surveillance culture in the whole of Europe, but do we have the lowest crime rates, or even the best clean-up? Nope! According to a 2008 police report only 3% of crimes were solved by CCTV.
I have actually been out with a group of people spotting CCTV cameras. We found loads. We stood in front of them and waved. We took photos - I actually stood directly in front of several cameras and took a photo right down the lens. I even made sure they could see my face.
What happened? Nowt, nuffin, zip, nada, bugger all! I didn't even get scowled at by a policeman or a security guard - I was almost disappointed.
How do you fool a CCTV camera? Wear a hat! Honestly, wear a hat - they nearly all have to be above 8 feet so all they can see is your hat.
Let's arrest all those suspicious bastards with hats on.
There is a terrorist threat in the UK. There always has been and always will be, so long as people treat other people as things (Thank you Granny Weatherwax). But the mass media and this Fnordian epic of an advert are inflating the problem completely out of proportion.
Since the year 2000 there have been exactly 52 people killed in terrorist attacks in the UK. They all died in the tragic events of 7/7/05.
Since the year 2000 there have been 2,752 people killed by terrorist attacks in the US. All of them died in the appalling (and bloody suspicious) attacks of 9/11 (11/9/01)
That's a total of 2,804.
Now look at these figures:
Every year there are 1,200,000 deaths from road accidents.
Every year 430,000 are killed by cigarettes (and that's just in the US)
Every year 400,000 Americans die of obesity related diseases (and the UK's working on it!)
Every year there are 130,000 deaths from cancer in the UK alone.
These are just a few figures I've pinched from The Insider (click on it to read some more).
I'll let them have the last word:
Nobody has benefited more from terrorism than the US, the UK, and Israel. They use terrorism as an excuse to change the law, giving more power to the authorities and withdrawing freedoms from the people. They use terrorism as an excuse to attack and conquer foreign lands. They exploit our fear to win support.
If terrorism and WMD are such a threat, what are the causes? Nobody provides more money to terrorist groups and rogue states than the US and the UK. Nobody has or sells more weapons than the US and UK.
Can you see what is happening here? Or are you still afraid of the boogey-man?
Love (not fear),
Seán
Tuesday 16 December 2008
Doors and Windows.
The second of today's fnords is almost as daft as the last, or would be if it wasn't scaring the vulnerable. I spotted this one whilst waiting with my daughter in the local health centre, a place frequented by the old and unwell.
It was a poster by Greater Manchester Police
The poster was in the standard colours of alarm - the background was black and the text was mostly yellow and orange (like bees and wasps - who says we don't learn from nature?)
It contained a picture of the palm of a hand (as if pushed into your face) and the word "STOP!"
Basically, it was telling me to make sure my doors and windows are locked before I go out.
Bit late, really, considering I'm already out. But, nevertheless, good advice for next time.
Why so? Because, as the poster says, "1 in 3 burglaries happen when doors and windows are left open"
Wow! That's alarming (or is it the colours of the poster?). What an appalling figure!
One teeny question, though: If 1 in 3 burglaries happen when doors and windows are left open, doesn't that mean that the other 2 happen when the doors and windows are closed?
According to these figures, twice as many secured homes are burgled than unsecured ones.
Now I'm really worried.
"Fetch me my gun, Ma! I'm gonna sleep in the armchair from now on"
Love,
Seán
It was a poster by Greater Manchester Police
The poster was in the standard colours of alarm - the background was black and the text was mostly yellow and orange (like bees and wasps - who says we don't learn from nature?)
It contained a picture of the palm of a hand (as if pushed into your face) and the word "STOP!"
Basically, it was telling me to make sure my doors and windows are locked before I go out.
Bit late, really, considering I'm already out. But, nevertheless, good advice for next time.
Why so? Because, as the poster says, "1 in 3 burglaries happen when doors and windows are left open"
Wow! That's alarming (or is it the colours of the poster?). What an appalling figure!
One teeny question, though: If 1 in 3 burglaries happen when doors and windows are left open, doesn't that mean that the other 2 happen when the doors and windows are closed?
According to these figures, twice as many secured homes are burgled than unsecured ones.
Now I'm really worried.
"Fetch me my gun, Ma! I'm gonna sleep in the armchair from now on"
Love,
Seán
Hair today. . .
Nothing for ages and then two fnords come at once. How's that for a cliché?
Here's the first, which I'm submitting purely for comedy value. It may well go under the heading, "How daft do you think we really are?"
Anyway. To set the scene, I was queueing in the Post Office to send some parcels (yup, I'm a muggins too) when I noticed a box on the counter. On offer, in fact!
Think, if you will, of a proper romantic male hero. He's definitely male and strong, but not so masculine that's he's boorish or insensitive. Imagine him on the side of some Scottish mountain with the wind blowing through his long, wavy hair. Imagine Prince Caspian. In fact, let's have a picture, because I think he's handsome too.
Okay - keep that image in mind of his face and hair (forget the sword) and fade it down to a pale sepia. You've now got the background of the box. In the foreground, to one side and printed a lot more clearly in full colour is the product inside the box.
What could this amazing thing be which uses such an image for its promotion? Could it be shampoo (sensible)? Could it be after-shave (crap, but understandable)? What about moisturizer?
No! It's none of these things. The product in the box is none other than . . . (wait for it, this is good!) . . .
A set of HAIR CLIPPERS!
Fantastic! What a message:
"Your Majesty. We have the perfect cloth for you. So fine that only the truly enlightened and intelligent can see it. People just like you, in fact!"
Love,
Seán
Here's the first, which I'm submitting purely for comedy value. It may well go under the heading, "How daft do you think we really are?"
Anyway. To set the scene, I was queueing in the Post Office to send some parcels (yup, I'm a muggins too) when I noticed a box on the counter. On offer, in fact!
Think, if you will, of a proper romantic male hero. He's definitely male and strong, but not so masculine that's he's boorish or insensitive. Imagine him on the side of some Scottish mountain with the wind blowing through his long, wavy hair. Imagine Prince Caspian. In fact, let's have a picture, because I think he's handsome too.
Okay - keep that image in mind of his face and hair (forget the sword) and fade it down to a pale sepia. You've now got the background of the box. In the foreground, to one side and printed a lot more clearly in full colour is the product inside the box.
What could this amazing thing be which uses such an image for its promotion? Could it be shampoo (sensible)? Could it be after-shave (crap, but understandable)? What about moisturizer?
No! It's none of these things. The product in the box is none other than . . . (wait for it, this is good!) . . .
A set of HAIR CLIPPERS!
Fantastic! What a message:
"Be like this guy with his long, wavy hair! Be handsome! Be sensitive yet strong! Get the girls, like in the Movies! All you have to do is. . . shave off all your hair!"
"Your Majesty. We have the perfect cloth for you. So fine that only the truly enlightened and intelligent can see it. People just like you, in fact!"
Love,
Seán
Monday 1 December 2008
Hungry Moggies
It's cheaper when you buy things in multipack. Course it is - stands to reason, dunnit? That's what I thought, anyway.
I'm not terribly good at mental arithmetic, but fortunately my antique mobile phone also functions as a simple calculator. So, let's see. . .
Asda's Tiger brand cat food (400g tin, rabbit and chicken in jelly. Yummy, if you're a cat!) - a six-pack of these costs £2.23.
Individually they're 34p each, so 6 of them costs £2.04.
I can only assume that the extra 19p pays for the shrink-wrapped bag that holds them all together!
To be fair to Asda, they aren't actually stating that this particular cat food is cheaper in multipack. They don't have to! The simple fact of a common belief (bulk-buying is cheaper) coupled with the placement of the multipacks right next to individual cans does all their work for them. And the designers of the shelving system know it!
I've been falling for this one for at least six months. Without boring anyone with the maths, it means I've unwittingly given Asda around £1.95 I didn't need to.
That doesn't sound like much until you wonder just how many people buy those multipacks every week or two, and how many other things we may be buying under the same illusion.
That's Asda Price! *ching ching*
Love,
Seán
I'm not terribly good at mental arithmetic, but fortunately my antique mobile phone also functions as a simple calculator. So, let's see. . .
Asda's Tiger brand cat food (400g tin, rabbit and chicken in jelly. Yummy, if you're a cat!) - a six-pack of these costs £2.23.
Individually they're 34p each, so 6 of them costs £2.04.
I can only assume that the extra 19p pays for the shrink-wrapped bag that holds them all together!
To be fair to Asda, they aren't actually stating that this particular cat food is cheaper in multipack. They don't have to! The simple fact of a common belief (bulk-buying is cheaper) coupled with the placement of the multipacks right next to individual cans does all their work for them. And the designers of the shelving system know it!
I've been falling for this one for at least six months. Without boring anyone with the maths, it means I've unwittingly given Asda around £1.95 I didn't need to.
That doesn't sound like much until you wonder just how many people buy those multipacks every week or two, and how many other things we may be buying under the same illusion.
That's Asda Price! *ching ching*
Love,
Seán
Saturday 29 November 2008
Renault Mégane
The honour of first fnord goes to something I saw last night on one of my rare telly-watching sessions, the new advert for the Renault Mégane.
This 30-second film is a fnordian epic of almost biblical proportions in its emotive manipulation.
"Remember when you said. . ." leads the watcher into a warm, fuzzy state of amusing nostalgia, as does the comfortable background song. By its use of common experiences we are led into the belief that we were young, wild and a bit daft, but these were good times. We're better now and look back on those days with fondness.
Just like the man on the advert we are older and more responsible now, and yes, handsome too! And so we must drive a Renault Mégane, for that is what we are! It's time to change!
(Ahem!)
Notice that the advert tells you absolutely nothing whatsoever about the actual car.
My nomination for evil, manipulation fnord-ejaculating bastards of the day go to Renault, and the people they employed to make that advert.
Love,
Seán
This 30-second film is a fnordian epic of almost biblical proportions in its emotive manipulation.
"Remember when you said. . ." leads the watcher into a warm, fuzzy state of amusing nostalgia, as does the comfortable background song. By its use of common experiences we are led into the belief that we were young, wild and a bit daft, but these were good times. We're better now and look back on those days with fondness.
Just like the man on the advert we are older and more responsible now, and yes, handsome too! And so we must drive a Renault Mégane, for that is what we are! It's time to change!
(Ahem!)
Notice that the advert tells you absolutely nothing whatsoever about the actual car.
My nomination for evil, manipulation fnord-ejaculating bastards of the day go to Renault, and the people they employed to make that advert.
Love,
Seán
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